Tuesday, April 26, 2011

SHEA WEBER FACTS


ALL TRUE (LATEST FACTS ON TOP):
Shea Weber's beard shall return!!!
It's not over until SHEA WEBER says it's over!
The Red Wings are tanking just so they don't have to play Shea Weber next round.
Shea Weber doesn't get mad, he enacts vengeance.
When Shea Weber hooks someone... you'll know it. You can see it from space it's so obvious. Shea Weber DID NOT HOOK KESLER IN OT. Kesler should have been in the box for holding the stick, or better yet Refs, why don't you let the players just play and decide the game?
Shea's having 17,113 of his closest friends over to his place tonight to watch him give the Can't-ucks a good 'ol fashioned Southern ass whuppin'.
Whoop Ass opens a can of Shea Weber.
Shea usually only takes the ladies to double-overtime.
Already has an iPad3 and an iPhone6.
Shea Weber poked someone on Facebook, it left them with cracked ribs.
Shea Weber's beard uses more hair care products than Luongo's mullet.
Shea Weber is both lucky and good.
Shea Weber doesn't believe in luck.
Darth Vader calls Shea "Father".
The Green Men are now women.
Shea Weber's beard is not in the Taliban.
We can neither confirm or deny that it was a Shea Weber slapshot that took out Bin Laden.
There's no I in Shea Weber... only a we.
Shea Weber's anagram is: BEWARES HE.
Shea Weber won UFC by only giving wedgies and Indian burns.
Shea Weber wears glasses to hide his super hero identity (PROOF).
Shea Weber's beard also wears glasses to hide his identity.
Tennessee is changing its name to Tennesshea.
Shea went first overall in the NFL draft.
His beard is a Predators Assistant Coach.
Shea turned down a royal wedding. Said he wanted to marry up.
Shea Weber can gargle Maple Syrup.
When Shea watches JAWS he roots for the shark.
When Shea Weber watches Bambi he roots for the hunter. KIDDING, he's never watched Bambi.
When served TN Moonshine for the 1st time, Shea asked "Do you have anything stronger?"
Winnipeg is relocating to Shea Weber's beard. Yes, the whole city.
The crossbar Shea hit is in the shop for repairs.
FACT: Shea Weber was Nashville's best forward in Game 1.
The Hulk doesn't like Shea Weber when he's angry.
That guy who slashed his hand in Game 1 is now in the Canadian Witness Protection Program.
Shea was force to quit the rodeo... the bulls kept getting hurt.
Canucks will choke again. This time at the hands of Shea Weber.
He doesn't know what a Canuck is either. Half-ass Canadian?
He is serious. And don't call him Shane O'Brien.
Shea Weber doesn't text... he carves.
He i
s sorry about the tornadoes but he had to practice. Too soon?
Shea Weber's beard has his own Twitter. No seriously:
http://twitter.com/SheaWebersBeard
He doesn't consider it a face-off win if the other guy lives.
Gillette has a new 8-bladed razor, it's called the Shea.
Shea's still deciding the start times for the Nashville home games.
They'll be known as the "Can't-ucks" 4 games from now.
Bob Probert retired when Shea was drafted.
There's never been a movie about Shea Weber. James Cameron says the effects just aren't there yet.
Every year Shea Weber's playoff prediction is PAIN.
Shea Weber's sweat is a prized aphrodisiac in Asia.
He shot a puck so hard it ignited Luongo's hair gel.
The last time Shea went to the 2nd round it was with Mike Tyson. He dropped him in the 4th.
Shea's favorite color is pain.
Shea's parents put him in time-out once. He let them go with a warning.
Canucks fans booed him once. They now root for the Quebec Nordiques.
When Dan Hamhuis was asked the one celebrity he'd like to meet he responded "Shea Weber".
Shea's beard has its own stall in the locker room. Sorry Wade Belak.
Megan Fox thinks Shea's too good looking.
Gywneth Paltrow blogged that Shea's beard as one of her favorite places to visit in Nashville.
Shea Weber doesn't know what a Gywneth Paltrow is.
He uses Ryan Kesler's face for a speed bag.
Prior to playing Shea Weber, the Sedins were once triplets.
Shea Weber withdrew himself from MVP consideration because he felt the award under-estimates him.
When Shea Weber swims in the ocean, killer whales beach themselves.
Extreme Jagermeister is called "Shea-germeister".
Shea wasn't birthed, he slapshotted himself out of the womb.
His pre-game meal is the other team. And pasta.
His beard eats a separate pre-game meal.
He's blocked shots with just a steely stare.
He shoots pucks through the net just to be certain.
He won the hardest slap shot contest... with a backhand.
He gets a standing ovation... for a line change.
He's silenced the opposition's rink... with an icing.
He once scored on a tip-in... from center ice.
He's won both best offensive defenseman and best defensive forward awards.
His beard is a Country Music legend.
His beard grew a playoff beard.
His Round 1 handshake sent 4 Ducks to the injured reserve list.
Shea Weber gets a free Frosty anytime he pleases.
His dog won the Lady Bing.
Saber-tooth tigers wear Shea Weber logos on their chests.
He gave Sidney Crosby a concussion... with his pinky.
His beard has been mistaken for a Big Foot sighting.
Shea Weber in Inuktitut means Sasquatch.
He splits pucks in two just to get at their creamy center.
His beard is home to several Amazon tribes.
There is no chin behind Shea Weber’s beard… only a game tying goal with 35.3 seconds left in regulation.
Obama's called Shea a great American.
He asked to receive a Platinum instead of Gold Medal. He got it.
He calls Cody Franson "Mini-Me".
His beard doesn't sweat. It glistens.
He was also named Captain of the USS Enterprise.
His beard is a Klingon.
His beard starred as Chewbacca in Star Wars.
His beard was also the Ewoks.
His beard speaks fluent Wookie.
His beard refuses to speak French.
His beard is a Predators Assistant Captain.
His beard is also Brent Peterson's mustache.
Since 1985, the year Shea Weber was born, slapshot related deaths have increased 6,000%.
The Sedin Twins list him as an emergency contact.
The San Jose Sharks have a week dedicated to him.
Wayne Gretzky retired his number.
Shea Weber's beard was featured on the show Axmen. They failed to bring it down.
He shaved his hair into a mohawk but it grew back between periods.
He considers the playoffs summer vacation.
He also considers the playoffs training camp.
His beard gave rise to the Planet of the Apes.
Terminators refuse to travel back in time and confront Shea Weber.
Pucks from his slapshot can travel back thru time. When asked what he would change about his past, Shea responded "Nothing".
Someone trolled Shea's post once. They're now missing hands.
Shea Weber's autobiography is titled "I'M BATMAN".
He confuses games with the Eastern Conference with practice.
There's not really line changes in hockey, only all the players want off when he steps on to the ice.
In the summer he likes to water ski... behind the boat on Deadliest Catch.
As a side item for his steak... he gets another steak.
He never dekes, players just move out of the way.
He throws Detroit Red Wings on to the ice as good luck after the National Anthem.
Guns don’t kill people… Shea Weber slapshots kill people.
His slapshot is the spokesperson of the NRA.
Pucks from his slapshot are the only thing to escape Black Holes.
He is never questioned when entering Canada.
He is never questioned when entering the United States.
Shea Weber's beard keeps Jordin Tootoo warm when he goes home to the Artic.
His deflected shots have downed Russian spacecraft.
He uses the Stanley Cup... for a shot glass.
Grizzly Adams thinks his beard needs a trim. ZZ Top agreed.
The Phoenix Coyotes are relocating to his beard.
The Atlanta Thrashers are ALSO relocating to his beard.
Has the Detroit Red Wings considering a relocation to Hamilton, Ontario.
His beard knocked the Dallas Stars out of the playoff race.
His beard finished higher in the standings than the Toronto Maple Leafs.
His beard has more season ticket holders than the Columbus Blue Jackets.
The St. Louis Blues list their entire team as a healthy scratch when they play him.
He thought the Norris Trophy was named after Chuck Norris. So now it is.
Pekka Rinne is nominated for the Vezina only because he didn't let any shots through.
PA Announcer Paul McCann thanks Shea.
Barry Trotz calls him coach.
The Chicago Blackhawks call him Mr. Weber.
The Chicago Blackhawks' girlfriends call him Daddy.
The Chicago Blackhawks' kids also call him Daddy. Odd.
Gary Bettman calls him commissioner.
He has never been disciplined by the league office due to fear of reprisal.
Told Mike Fisher that Bo Bice should have won American Idol that year. Mike agreed.
The opposing team's scouting report is always "Shea Weber let us live".
He sets the salary cap to whatever he wants it to be.
His beard once drew a too many men on the ice penalty.
Toronto calls his beard to decide if the goal counts.
The plexiglass is there because his beard kept poking people in Rows AA - EE.
His tattoos keep sweating off.
All playoff teams are sponsoring his beard.
For Earth day he crushed the Stanley Cup on his forehead and recycled it.
His defense partner is his beard.
He is put in the penalty box only to protect the other players.
Stu Grimson asks him for fighting tips.
The guy from The Hangover asks him for beard advice.
As a baby, his play pen was referred to as "Thunderdome".
His beard sits next to him on the bench.
Opponents have been cross-checked by his shadow.
His beard starred as a Spartan Warrior in 300.
Andreas Lilja still has a restraining order out against him.
Fought Rocky Balboa once. Rocky is now known as Sandy.
He avoids checking players through the glass only to prevent hurting the fans.
He has caused the goal to dislodge itself.
He was forced to play a year in the minors so NHL players had time to prepare for him.
His beard plays football under the name "Troy Polamalu".
He wasn't drafted by Nashville. He drafted them.
His beard was selected at the All-Star Game before Phil Kessell.
His beard won best looking at the NHL Awards Ceremony.
Whatever happens to Shea Weber in Vegas will not stay in Vegas.
He plays forward, skating backwards.
His stick is made of titanium. He snapped it in half.
Nashville fans have to be loud in order to be heard over him thinking.
History is not made. It is determined by Shea Weber at the time and place of his choosing.
His Mountain Dew can had to be sold in the beer aisle.
His Orange Crush can beat up a Red Bull.
He's knocked teams out of the playoffs. Literally knocked them out.
Opposing team’s goalies now wear Kevlar.
He shaves his beard with bear mace and a ninja sword.
Catfish aren't actually thrown to the ice... they're spawning in his beard.
Referees call him sir.
He scored three goals with two slapshots and the first shot hit the cross bar.
In his games there are no winners or losers... only survivors.
He charges other teams admission to the games. They pay it.
He's the Captain only because Supreme Allied Commander was not allowed by the league.
He's caused other teams to make a goalie switch... in games where he wasn't playing.
He has crossed the point of no return – on several occasions.
When Superman was asked if he could have one super power he said "Shea Weber's Shot".
As a child, when asked by a teacher, “What would you like to be when you grow up?” Shea answered – “Me.”
All Shea Weber mancrushes end as fatal attractions.
The World's Most Interesting Man goes over to Shea's house for beers. He's served Molson.
Shea Weber can understand whatever the hell Charlie Sheen is saying.
He is both the unstoppable force and the immoveable object.
Chuck Norris lists him as next of kin.
He is the reason Chuck Norris doesn't play hockey.
He is the reason Chuck Norris won't even ice skate.
He hides the bodies under the ice.
He froze Hell over. It's now called Bridgestone Arena.

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6 Comments:

Blogger lilmisshockey said...

This made me laugh! Awesome job!

April 26, 2011 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger aesaint said...

Love it!!!

April 26, 2011 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger taelor said...

we should tweet these out on twitter regularly before the first tilt with the nucks.

April 27, 2011 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger Great White North said...

fantastic. if ur looking for some more good ones. . msg me cuz I have some suggestions

April 28, 2011 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger Cari said...

OMG. I haven't laughed so hard over anything in so long, I can't even remember. This had me crying on several occasions. THANK YOU!

May 3, 2011 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

please do new ones for this playoff season!!!

April 17, 2012 at 1:19 PM  

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